Sunday, October 19, 2014

Put Me on a Diet (Sung to Eagles' Take it to the Limit)

Eagles' Take it to the Limit

The holidays are approaching fast, and some of us are dreading them simply because we don't want to add on that extra 10 or so pounds experts say we will after all that turkey, gravy, and various sweet treats we'll be over indulging in over the holidays.

So this song is dedicated to all those dedicated dieters out there who need a theme song. The best diet plan in the world is a continual sing-along because it's damned near impossible to sing a song while you're stuffing your face with pie.

Put me on a diet 
(Sung to Take It to the limit)

All alone at the end of my dinner
With the carrots still fresh on my plate
I was thinking do really want to
blow it with a big piece of cake

You know I've always been an eater
(Can't put the fork down)
And the fat seems to pile on
(I'm as tall as I am around)
But the food I've eaten lately
Doesn't hit the spot, can't eat a lot,
I'm ready for a change

So put me on a diet
and show me you care
just put me on a diet
if you dare

I can spend all my time eating chocolates
I can spend all my time eating pie
But if the gravy boat ran out tomorrow
Would I still be fine?

When I'm looking for a diet
(I am the yo-yo man)
I need something that'll work
(A doable diet plan)
Cause I don't wanna die tomorrow,
If I don't stop, I'm gonna pop
the button on my jeans,

So put me on a diet
and show me you care
just put me on a diet
if you dare

Put me on a diet, ohhhhh
Put me on a diet, eeeeee
Put me...on a diet
If you dare

©P. Beckert

Monday, October 13, 2014

CA Woman Suffers Battle Fatigue After Making Anti-Mitch McConnell Robo Calls

A California woman is resting comfortably in LA General Hospital after suffering an ailment that until now had only manifested in soldiers fighting in overseas battles.

"She appears to have all the symptoms of battle fatigue," reports Dr. Euell Dye, the physician who first saw the woman in the emergency room.

"She came in late last night mumbling something about defeating Mitch McConnell, and then went on some sort of rant about snake-oil salesmen, and other odd couplings, leading us to believe she was either psychotic or suffering some sort of head trauma," he said.

"She kept spelling election, over and over and over again," said Dr. Dye. "We thought she was just losing her mind."

Doctors later came up with the battle fatigue diagnosis after studying the symptoms on the Mayo Clinic website and speaking with her husband, who accompanied her to the emergency room.

"It was a real head-scratcher there for a while," said Dr. Dye, "but all the pieces fell together after I talked with her husband."

The woman's husband filled in the pieces by telling the good doctor that his wife became symptomatic during her 5-hour stint at a local phone bank trying to talk sense into voters in the state of Kentucky.

"At that point, it became a no-brainer," said Dr. Dye. "The woman was fighting an uphill battle," he said, adding "no pun intended."

The woman requested her identity not be revealed for fear of retribution by the GOP, but she did give this statement:

"Hi, my name is mrumphhhmppph and I'm calling on behalf of to urge you not to vote for Mitch McConnell in the upcoming...." at which time the anti-psychotic pills the hospital had her on once again took her literally back to LaLa Land.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Clinton Township Police Blotter – Bigfoot Sighting

[Ed. Note: An Old Story from 2009 for your reading pleasure]

Mt. Clemens, MI – Seems with the cold weather approaching, there has been a rash of bigfoot sightings in the Mt. Clemens area, the most recent occurring last Sunday behind the local Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar out on 15 Mile Road in Clinton Township. Officer Stan Down was called to the scene by BWW employee, Lou Klively, who was visibly shaken by what he saw. 

“Yeah, I was goin’ out there to throw out the trash like I always do, and about this time I sees this big hairy thing not more’n 10 feet from me take off into the woods right over there,” he said pointing to a thicket of bushes and trees that line a creek area just west of the strip mall.

While it was hard for Klively to give a complete description of the person or thing that he saw, he is almost 100% positive it was one sort of bigfoot or another. 

Said Kively, “Now I know it weren’t no Yeti cause they live up in the mountains or something, and I can’t say for sure if it was a sasquatch or a skunk ape, cause although it did smell a bit out here, that coulda been the rancid butter sauce I threw out earlier. So I’m gonna go with saying I’m 99% sure it was just your average bigfoot feller.”

Officer Down, during his investigation, found what he first thought might be human finger bones, cracked at the knuckles, but upon closer examination, he determined they were, in fact, chicken bones. Bigfoot creatures are known to like marrow and, during the colder months especially, it is an essential part of their diet. However, over on the other side of the dumpster there appeared to be half of a larger than human footprint in a puddle of bleu cheese dressing, obviously spilled by the creature when he was startled by Kively. 

“Yeah, he was out here having himself a meal alright,” said Officer Down. 

“The only thing missing was the crudité platter.”

Willow Creek, CA bigfoot expert, Homer Dickson III, son of Dick Dickson, one of the most famous bigfoot hunters in the country, is flying out next week to investigate the sighting and see if he can locate any more information about this particular band of bigfeet that seem to be living very close to the BWW. According to Dickson, sightings of bigfoot creatures are up all over the country. 

"When times are lean for America, that means, they are lean for all creatures. With fewer Americans having the time or the money to camp out in the woods, these creatures are being forced to forage for food where they would not normally do so, i.e. in dumpsters behind strip malls. There have been a rash of sightings over in Kings Mill out behind the Walmart over there and we're gonna investigate those sightings as well while we're in Michigan," he said.

The mayor of Mt. Clemens, Barb D. Empsey, welcomes the Dicksons with open arms. 

“Folks around here have been on edge, claiming they’re seeing things and wondering if they’ll be next to run into one of these bigfeet creatures. Although we can’t be sure they exist, it can’t hurt to have these guys come out here with their chrome magnonmeters and their electronosphincters to test the area for possible infestation. Until they give the all clear, I’m urging all Mt. Clemens citizens to stay in their homes and only go out at night if absolutely necessary.”