Friday, January 22, 2016

Koch Brothers Change Directions; Want to Buy Their Way into Heaven

Charles and David Koch made an astounding 360 today when they announced that they would pull all their money out of the 2016 elections and fund, instead, every orphanage around the world to make sure all children living in abject poverty have a better life from the ground up.

Backers of Americans for Prosperity, an ultra-conservative political advocacy group touted as the most influential in history, the Koch Brothers have built a political empire backing whomever comes closest to their ideals for a country where taxes for the rich are low, government plays a minimal part in our ordinary lives (more on that and marijuana reform in a moment), and where Christian values come first.

It is that last part that made the Koch Brothers change course in a big way.

"David and I were praying before our private altar in our office the other day and suddenly the room lit up," said Charles Koch.

"It was an eerie light, but brighter than any I'd ever seen. We thought maybe we'd gotten our wish and the electric companies around the world were using more coal or something," he said.

"But then, a figure appeared directly in front of our altar, and I have to say I was impressed, cause our altar is pretty large."

He paused and asked "Charles weren't you pretty impressed?" to which Charles replied "what word rhymes with Trump? Hump, Bump, Grump, Lump, Schlong…no no no Dump…" sounding eerily like Ted Cruz at one of his stump speeches.

"Anyway," said David, "we, mainly me, cause I now own 52% of our overall stock, but that's another story," he smiled wryly…"anyway, like I was saying kids. Yes, no, heaven, yes heaven. I thought we were dying and going to heaven when the large apparition spoke to me. Roughly, this is the gist of our exchange:

Apparition: David, we aren't the least bit pleased with the way you've been handling the fortune we threw your way lo these many years ago.

Me: I didn't know spirits actually spoke like that.

Apparition: You must repent or Ted Cruz won't be elected President in the next election, for whosoever sayeth it shall sprayeth it.

Me: (wondering if this was a real apparition or Barry "Bonehead" Whiddley from 7th grade) but I wasn't taking any chances, so I asked, What then, oh great holy spirit, must we do to get back our power?

Apparition: You must change course and become good men by gathering all the children to your flock...something, something...Children are like lambs, men like wolves, and the wolves shall perish where the children once stood.

"And then poof! the apparition disappeared," said David.

"I'm not sure I understood that last part, but by then the bowl was getting pretty low and Charles was bogarting."

To be continued…

Friday, December 18, 2015

McDonald's Introduces Healthy Fries. Diners Become Hostile

The hugest fast food restaurant in the fast food business announced last month that they were introducing an alternative to their regular fat/salt-laden fries. McHealthy Fries® were added to the menu on November 17, just in time for the holidays..

The food giant took all the suggestions out of the suggestion boxes of hundreds of McDonald's restaurants across America. By far, the most suggestions were from folks who wanted to cut down on their risk of heart disease by eating fries with their Big Macs® that were less harmful to their bodies. McDonald's test kitchen chef, Edward "Ed" Ibbles, took that challenge and came up with what he termed the healthiest fries on the planet.

The folks who decided to give McHealthy Fries a try were met with an alternative they didn't expect. The McHealthy Fries, they decried, were nothing more than fresh apple and carrot sticks.

Soon after the first McHealthy Fries®began appearing on the menu, complaints started pouring in and McDonald's found itself in a huge firestorm of controversy, i.e. "what constitutes a fry?"

"They got the healthy part right," said Wilmer Deans of Shreveport, Louisiana, "but the fry part? Where's the grease?" he said, mocking another big fast food chain.

Chef Ibbles countered with "what part of the word fry is healthy? You're the ones asking for healthy fries. Seriously? If that isn't an oxymoron, then I am Colonel Sanders," to which Deans replied, "Who you calling a moron, moron?"

The fight devolved into fisticuffs with Colonel Sanders, er Chef Ibbles, taken to the hospital with a broken nose.

The fight isn't over. Less than a month after the menu change, a group of angry diners is threatening a class action suit against McDonald's for false food labeling. Meanwhile, McDonald's has taken the McHealthy Fries® off the menu for now until they can come up with something closer to a fry than an apple or a carrot.

"We were mainly concerned with the safety of our servers, both in the restaurant and those manning the drive-thru windows," said a McDonald's spokesperson known only as Ronald.

"While the 'fries' served were always refrigerated and contained no hot grease whatsoever, getting hit back in the face with a bag of apple and carrot sticks can sting," he said.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Fruitcake--Alternative Fuel Source?

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.”

“After about three or four days in them dumpsters, the smell of alcohol was overwhelming,” he said. “I got to thinking that if there’s that much alcohol in that stuff, I wonder if I could squeeze enough fuel out of it to run my lawnmower.” Hadnough admitted that he comes from a long line of Ozark moonshiners and this was just a natural progression for him.

He piled a bunch of the fruitcakes in the bed of his pickup and brought them back home and he’s never looked back. “That was 2 years ago, and I’ve made enough energy to power my lawnmower, my truck, and a 3500 Watt portable generator. The power companies can kiss my ass.”

Asked what he’ll do if companies stop making fruitcake, he answered “hell, that stuff has been around longer than dirt; they’ll keep making it and people will keep buying it, re-gifting it, and then throwing it away. It’s a holiday tradition. I got everyone in town bringing me their used fruitcakes. In fact, one neighbor had fruitcake in her pantry from 1973 on up,” he said. “Gotta love them hoarders.”

The only problem he has is his sister Bertha and her two daughters, Nadine and Earline. They love fruitcake and he’s got to store it before they get to his house for a visit cause they can go through it pretty fast and the energy they create from the stuff themselves, well “let’s just say I could power the generator for a day or two just from Nadine,” he chuckled.

Hadnough is searching for financial backers to fine-tune the crude fruitcake still he developed, and he’s possibly thinking of mass producing the stills for other folks who’ve had enough of high energy prices. “With this here still, err ‘compact combustible fuel extractor’ and about 1,000 fruitcakes a week, I can run my refrigerator and my hot water heater, and the TV just about every day of the week. If I need to run the washer, I just throw a few more fruitcakes in the still and in about 14 hours I’ve got clean, pure Claxtogas (named for the famous Claxton Fruitcake Co.)

When asked if this is all he’s working on, Hadnough answered “hell no. I got an idea of pressing used fruitcakes into compressed logs to use in fireplaces,” he said smiling. “There’s so much of this stuff out there, it’ll take me years to go through what I already have stockpiled and another Christmas is just around the corner.”