Monday, September 1, 2014

How to Get the Most Out of Your Labor Day Weeke...Oh Look a Squirrel!

In honor of all those hard-working people who are taking a day off (actually, only the people lucky enough to have bosses who still consider Labor Day a holiday and not an excuse to make their people work even harder), I've decided to post here some of my musings on the Labor Day holiday in the style of the late, great humor writer, Shel Silverstein. Since I am hardly as prolific or humorous as Mr. Silverstein, and since this is technically my day off from doing any kind of work, including writing, today's post will be short and sweet.

Today is labor day
As most of you know
We take off work
and bask in the glow
of a job well-done
the fortunate one
who at least has a job to
stay home from.


Where else but in American do
we take a day off to relax and reward
ourselves for being hard workers and then
call it Labor Day.


If you have to work on Labor Day
And can't be outside to enjoy it
Remember that it is only a day
And at least you are employed.


Today's the day to sing and dance
Today's the day to wear no pants
Just sit and watch T.V. all day
And labor less,
It's Labor Day.
Unless you are a retail clerk
Put on your pants and go to work.


Saturday, August 30, 2014

Burger King Announces Lettuce Shaped Like Dollar Bills on Whoppers

Get a load of that lettuce!
Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of its rival McDonald's, when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy to make more money for itself.

Many would say it's the news that BK is attempting to buy Canadian donut giant, Tim Hortons in order to change their corporate ownership over from US to Canadian, to avoid having to pay corporate income taxes on the whole shebang, but no, that isn't it. While that is a pretty crafty ploy, the marketing people aren't quite as savvy as BK's financial folks when it comes to staying afloat in the burger turd business so to speak.

No, BK has partnered with Monsanto, the genetically modified foods giant to produce lettuce that actually is greener and has a pattern on each leaf resembling a dollar bill. The "lettuce" (see how they used the slang term for money and substituted the real food item here--pure marketing genius) will be placed on every Whopper sold at Burger King, replacing the ordinary lettuce they are currently using.

The genius who came up with this idea, Buster Banks, head of marketing over at Burger King, couldn't quite believe it when the Burger King himself decreed this to be a million-dollar idea, especially in light of the fact that Banks admittedly came up with the marketing ploy after a late-night excursion to the local bar had him waking up on the loading docks of a local produce company in Miami.

"There I was," said Banks. "I worked late the night before. Me and a couple of the guys stopped off at Johnny Martini's for a quick one that turned into a few more, and don't you know the next morning I'm waking up on a loading dock among some of the freshest produce I've ever seen," he marveled.

"I'm not sure if I dreamed the idea or if it came to me as I was removing a piece of wilted lettuce from my empty wallet that lay alongside me, but they say that is how good ideas come to light. Money lettuce was born, well, maybe not born, but definitely conceived by a mad man, or in this case, an 'ad' man," he quipped.

"I was as shocked as anyone that after royally screwing up the Subservient Chicken ad campaign, I was finally able to produce (pun intended) a newer, fresher, and more believable marketing idea," he said.

"Who knew cockfighting chickens were a no-no in ad campaigns to sell chicken sandwiches."

BK expects to have the new "Dollar Whoppers" on the market come spring, giving Monsanto enough time to split the genes, synthetically mess with the DNA of the iceberg lettuce they will be using, and grow and harvest their first batch of dollar bills for the sandwiches. And while you may think that Dollar Whopper means the whopper will be selling for only a buck, think again. The Dollar Whopper will actually sell for more due to the increase in marketing and other costs associated with making such a specialized burger.

Asked if Burger King thinks this new idea will create enough ad revenue to outshine McDonald's in their age-old burger wars, BK VP Col. Mustard replied "We are quite confident that our lettuce will create the lettuce (pun intended) needed to buy Russian fast food giant, Teremok (Russian: Tepemok), and get a toe-hold in the borscht business. And from there, who knows? We may just take over the souvlaki fast food giants in Greece."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Labor Day Now #1 Hated Holiday in America

Labor Day is now the most hated holiday of all in America. Unemployment is at an all-time high. Salaries are the lowest they’ve been since the early ‘70’s inflation-wise, and most people hate their bosses, most of who make upwards of 600% more than they do.

The Labor Day holiday does nothing more today than remind millions of Americans that they have nothing to celebrate. Americans want to be working, not taking another day off—most without pay. That’s why many the majority of out-of-work Americans are boycotting the Labor Day holiday and going to work, anywhere.

Workers are showing up at factories unannounced turning on machines and making cars and refrigerators and other appliances. They are turning the lights on at banks and handling money like it was any other work day. They are washing cars, pumping gas and babysitting, anything to keep themselves busy.

In fact, so many people are working on this, their rightful day off, that it is skewing the unemployment numbers. But fear not, come Tuesday, everyone will be back at home, jobless, and everything again can return to normal.

Ed, Note First, I just figured out if  you put your fingers on the keyboard one letter left of the N in Note, you will write "Bite," just thought you'd like to know for future reference. Second, I wrote this originally on 9/6/10, but it has gotten so many hits on and around Labor Days since, that I've decided to make it a permanent Labor Day or thereabouts fixture. And third, as you can see by the employment figures out, there hasn't really been much of a change at all, just in the last digit of the year, that has successively gone from 10 to 11, 12, 13, and now 14.