Monday, August 17, 2015

Donald Trump: Kim Jong Un Would Make Awesome Vice President

...that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need

Speaking on Meet the Press this morning, the Donald was again in rare form as he used his particular brand of "shock politics" to keep his lead in the race for the GOP nomination for President.

When pressed on his comments as to whom he would choose as his running mate, he confirmed that he wouldn't rule out former pro wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, or television mogul, Oprah Winfrey, if either of them took him up on his deal.

"Hell, ideally, I'd love to ask N. Korea leader Kim Jong Un to run alongside me, but there are rules in place, and I guess, rightfully so, that say anyone running for the two top spots in the country have to be from this country.

"Fair enough," said Trump, "but ideally, yeah, I think Kim has the kahoonies to be a great Vice President. He sure as hell wouldn't take any lip from anyone, except me of course because I'd be his boss, but if  you ask me straight up, that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need in the 2nd highest office in the country."

Asked, then, if he scared the crap out of himself, Trump looked a bit bewildered and said "Well, no,
Chuck, I don't scare the crap out of myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm scaring the crap out of all those guys, oh, and one gal, excuse me, who are running against me in this election."

Trump then went on to talk about race in this country.

"Let's talk about getting this country back, ok? Like for instance, just say, for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen, which I might have been, but for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen. I think that's enough to get the black vote don't you think?"

To which Chuck Todd replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure you weren't born in Hell's Kitchen, Mr. Trump."

Trump then replied, "but if I was born in Kenya…" and trailed off.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

God Bless My Barbeque

Ed Note: I salute the flag, but more importantly, I salute the men and the occasional woman, who have gone to great lengths to make the BBQ grill their blackened idol... this can be sung to America the Beautiful or said as a solemn prayer, your choice. 

(Sung to God Bless America)

God bless my barbeque
Smoke pit and all

I will cherish
And care for it

Through the summer
And into the fall,

From a brisket
to a weiner

To the primest
cut of meat,

God bless my barbeque
It can't be beat

God bless my barbeque
Now let's go eat.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy to Sell Books

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they've been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn't exist.

"It's a ploy," said Ben Down from Montauk, NY, who admits he spent thousands on self-help, "feel good" books and tapes before realizing it was all a scam.

"I played along for most of my life and look where it's gotten me," he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he now calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Home just a few blocks from where he once lived.

Down and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover off the win-win folks, but they simply don't have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don't have the gumption. 

"Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time," he said, "but just could never get a good grip on 'em and ended up saying the hell with it. Maybe I took that term a little too literally," he said nodding off to sleep, waking up long enough to add "Falderdall," before slumping into a restful nap.

Many others are telling similar stories.

"Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right," said Dee Flayted, "but before I can even get the door all the way open, some snot-nosed kid down the hall slams up against it and smashes it back into my face. Win-win, whatta laugh," she said scornfully.

Flayted says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference.

"Things were going well until someone said to me 'positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?' I chose down."

Said Flayted, "When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well resign yourself to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner."