Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

Ed. Note: First published last year around CPAC Convention time.

BOISE, Idaho - Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as "laptop dances." Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

"What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred," said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. When the vote finally came in narrowly in favor of banning the virtual sexual activity on any laptop anywhere in the state of Idaho, Getzless could not contain his anger at his fellow lawmakers.

"Well, folks, there goes Idaho's chances of ever hosting a CPAC convention!" he screamed to a packed Senate.

The bill is expected to be signed into law next week.

"I can't speak for the rest of Idaho, but I can say that my own city, Pocatello, has always been known as Smile City, but after today, we will most likely have to change our motto to Grimace City,'" said Getzless, in an overly dramatic post-vote speech.

Getzless says he's going to fight the law by every means possible.

"Pocatello is also known as Gate City," added Getzless, "and if we aren't careful, it's gonna turn very quickly into 'Gay City' after today's vote."

The Senator was asked if that should even be a bona fide argument, as Getzless himself just stated that what a man does in his own home should be sacred. Getzless just stared blankly at the reporter and continued his tirade.

"I believe banning this particular online sex act is just the first step toward making Idaho another Utah," said Getzless.

A quick check of the state statutes shows a fairly new law on the books allowing pole dancing in the privacy of one's home. Asked if he could just get his wife to do a pole dance for him instead of making such a fuss about laptop dancing, the Senator responded, "Have you seen my wife?"

The Senator claims the fight isn't over.

"I think there is a good chance I can sway the opinion of the Governor and get him to veto this bill," he said.

"There ain't but a couple strip clubs in the city of Pocatello, but I'll find a nice decent one and invite his honor to accompany me one evening to see for himself just how important lap dances are."

Asked why he doesn't just invite the Governor to his home to enjoy a laptop dance, Getzless admitted he would if he thought it would change the Governor's mind, but his wife has banned all internet from his home.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero

UPDATE: Seeing as Scott Walker is quickly becoming the Republican frontrunner in the 2016 Presidenetial elections, I thought sharing this little tidbit would be in order.

Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.”

While teachers have a thing or two to say about the matter, Scott Walker has said time and time again that if any of those teachers wanted to make laws, “they should have become politicians, not teachers.”

In a related story, Walker denies that his apparent grudge against teachers is fueled by a childhood experience where, in 7th grade, his science teacher made fun of his baking soda volcano science project, calling it “so 5th Grade.” 

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Bill O'Reilly Shoots Own Foot to Prove He's Seen Combat

The controversy continues over whether or not the O'Reilly Factor host, Bill O'Reilly, actually saw real live combat while covering stories in El Salvador and the Falkland Islands, even over O'Reilly's objections. And the stronger he protests, the more people are coming out in support of the reporters who first brought this news story to light.

Days after a report by journalists, David Corn and Daniel Schulman of Mother Jones, a progressive newspaper, reported that in fact O'Reilly misrepresented the fact that he saw combat in the aforementioned "active" war zones, Bill O'Reilly and Fox News are standing behind O'Reilly's account 100%.

So, today, O'Reilly got out his trusty revolver and shot himself in his foot, requiring a trip to the local hospital. (Accounts of whether or not he actually shot himself or was shot by one of the Fox News station's mail clerks is still being investigated.)

"Was I scared? Hell no, I wasn't scared," said a recovering O'Reilly.

"I think this proves once and for all that I saw combat not only in the Falklands but also in El Salvador, and now, in New York City.

"And I'll tell you another thing," he said, his bravado pumped up by the pain killers he was prescribed at the ER.

"When Bill O'Reilly says he's done something, then by God, I'll do everything in my power to make sure his story is backed up by facts, even if I have to make some of those facts up, which I didn't, but if I did, then I would."

Mr. O'Reilly was then given another dose of pain medication and drifted back into the dreamland Fox News created for just this scenario.

In a related news story, David Corn has promised that from now on, he'll stick to reporting genuine news stories, instead of taking down liars.

Corn commented, "It just isn't worth my time when you show someone evidence and they still don't remember the facts. I'm not so much worried about how he presented the truth, I'm more concerned about his loss of memory. I hope he gets the help he needs."