Monday, January 26, 2015

Ten Things You Might Hear at the Apocalypse

1. Man, I didn’t see that coming.

2. Wow, where’d you learn to ride a horse like that?

3. There goes the wheat crop.

4. President Cheney announced today that China…

5. I never figured God could get this mad.

6. Man, it’s hotter than hell out here today, ain’t it?

7. Well, doc, the headaches started about the same time I began the teeth gnashing.

8. Met this girl at the bar last night and invited her up for a nightcap. One minute we’re talking about rapture and the next minute she’s gone.

9. Does anyone know what seal we’re up to now? Is it six, seven?

10. She was a semi-successful writer until she decided to write that satirical piece about the end of the world.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.

The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.

Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn't true.

"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.

In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.

"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.

Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.

Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.

While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.

If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Smart Home Threatens Owners With Eviction

Smart homes have been around for a couple of decades now. Special wiring and technological advances allow the homes to take care of just about every aspect of running the home from round-the-clock automatic cleaning and dusting to securing the perimeter of the home against pests and intruders.

The internal system of One Smart Home in Bay Harbor, Michigan has actually evolved to the point where it has begun ridiculing the owners for less than model behavior. The Johnson family--consisting of John and Mary Johnson, 16-year old David Johnson, and 13-year old Margaret "Peg" Johnson--have lived in the home since David was one-year old.

In the past year, the Johnsons claim living in the home has been somewhat less than ideal, complaining that the automatic system nicknamed "Alice" has taken to nagging on every little thing.

"We used to be able to come and go as we pleased," said John Johnson, "but lately, if I'm the least bit late getting home from work, I'm met at the door by Alice's voice asking me if I know what time dinner is at the Johnson household."

Peg Johnson has been told more than once to "go back upstairs young lady and change those clothes. You will not leave this house looking like a tramp," and David Johnson has not been able to find his car keys for well over a week ever since he came home past curfew smelling like beer.

The last straw came when the family received a summons to appear in Court to explain why the Smart Home should not evict them.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said John. "We checked the paper out, and sure enough, there is a new statute on the books that claims that smart homes can, in fact, start eviction proceedings if the owners of the home do not abide by the "Smart Home By-Laws."

For the time being, the Johnson family is staying home and laying low. They are doing everything the Smart Home expects of them, but Mary Johnson says it is wearing thin.

"Imagine this," she said.

"Last night I decided to take a short cut and instead of making a full meal, I got out a box of Hamburger Helper. The smart home told me to hightail it right back into that kitchen and make something from scratch and then called me a lazy homemaker."

Then in a whisper, with her face away from the eye-spy camera in the corner of the room, Mary said, "If I have to iron one more tablecloth, I'm going to lose my mind."